Fallout Equestria: Operation Flankorage

[otherunicorn]

Normally, grammar is something I don't bring up too much, but in this case I've noticed quite a few misused words. Examples included things along the lines of something "peaking" one's interest rather than "piquing". They're not bad enough to ruin the reader's understanding, but they're numerous enough to bring attention to them. Otherwise, your writing is just fine. Better than fine, I should actually say.

Those are proof reader fails! Oops.

[Adder1]

Normally, grammar is something I don't bring up too much, but in this case I've noticed quite a few misused words. Examples included things along the lines of something "peaking" one's interest rather than "piquing". They're not bad enough to ruin the reader's understanding, but they're numerous enough to bring attention to them. Otherwise, your writing is just fine. Better than fine, I should actually say.

Those are proof reader fails! Oops.

Oh.

...

In that case, carry on!

[Kashin]

updated

[The Jack]

Right as Ocher uses the pipspike thingy, there is an error. Namely, it says "crustal" instead of "crystal". (((Edit: Edited a typo of my own from that sentence. The irony burns.)))

Also; Duke Nukem? Seriously? xD
I am just waiting for the "Eat shit and die!" comment, or something like that. xD

...
Well fuck. Mechanical headcrabs. xD
"Hail to the King, baby." xD

"You still owe me a wallow in an unspecified substance..." This chapter just keep churning out the good stuff, eh? xD

So now Ocher is a werepony AND has had his soul stolen (or something)? Daym what a sucky day for him. xD
...
Woah.
What the fuck just happened. Broken hindlegs, flayed cutiemark, shattered horn, blinded left eye, and left to be eaten by insects. And that's in addition to everything else, which I think includes broken ribs and stolen soul.
What.
Very... sudden, don't you think?

Also, please don't leave us (and Ocher) hanging like this! Gaaah, I hate cliffhangers xD Or, signhangers, as it were... xD
(Sorry, the puns were just too bad to pass up xD )

[Adder1]

Alright... *cracks hooves*

Interesting developments in this chapter. We get to find out what B.A.R.O.N. is, at least a little. We also meet perhaps yet another villain in this tale of yours. I have to admit, I like to imagine Ocher having an "oh-bull-frickin'-horseapples" moment after bringing up the S.A.T.S. tag on Xenophon. Aaaand now he's critically, likely fatally wounded and pretty much crucified. That's pleasant.

One thing that piqued my interest the most was his response to the entry logs on Xeruth's terminal or rather his lack thereof. I don't know if this was intentional on your behalf, but it shows how desensitized he is now to the doom of those in the past. Back in the cave in chapter 2, I could feel at least some sense of emotion from him. This time, there isn't much, rather some slight irritation at the zebra manner of speaking Equestrian.

The grammar/spelling errors are still there, just enough to draw attention but not nearly enough to detract from the story.

All in all, keep it up. Now mechaheadcrabs will haunt my dreams.

[Kashin]

Right as Ocher uses the pipspike thingy, there is an error. Namely, it says "crustal" instead of "crystal". (((Edit: Edited a typo of my own from that sentence. The irony burns.)))

Thanks, fixed.

Also; Duke Nukem? Seriously? xD

I found it funny

So now Ocher is a werepony AND has had his soul stolen (or something)? Daym what a sucky day for him. xD

Ayep, Soul was sliced apart technically, but semantics.

What the fuck just happened. Broken hindlegs, flayed cutiemark, shattered horn, blinded left eye, and left to be eaten by insects. And that's in addition to everything else, which I think includes broken ribs and stolen soul.
What.
Very... sudden, don't you think?

Yeah, this section was the reason for my whole "How much is too much?" question a while back.

Also, please don't leave us (and Ocher) hanging like this! Gaaah, I hate cliffhangers xD Or, signhangers, as it were... xD
(Sorry, the puns were just too bad to pass up xD )

Next Monday the tail continues.

One thing that piqued my interest the most was his response to the entry logs on Xeruth's terminal or rather his lack thereof. I don't know if this was intentional on your behalf, but it shows how desensitized he is now to the doom of those in the past. Back in the cave in chapter 2, I could feel at least some sense of emotion from him. This time, there isn't much, rather some slight irritation at the zebra manner of speaking Equestrian.

It was actually meant to be more of subconscious racism. Note how he only needs to justify killing ponies, Zebras and Griffins are fair game.

The grammar/spelling errors are still there, just enough to draw attention but not nearly enough to detract from the story.

Sorry about that, if you can provide specifics I can try and fix the problems.

All in all, keep it up. Now mechaheadcrabs will haunt my dreams.

MUAHAHAHAHAHA

[The Jack]

Also; Duke Nukem? Seriously? xD

I found it funny

Aye, so did I; it was delightfully random cheese there xD

[Kashin]

Chapter 8 up for review

[The Jack]

Hehe. BARON nearly getting gelded by a quill. I wish I'd seen that xD

Also, I must note that BARON has indeed shown him/her/itself to be an unique character, despite the initial similarities with Steelhooves.

Okay, a trio of comments here;
The "colt toy" thing was really well done IMO =D Loved it xD
Secondly; the perk. I am tempted to force you to add an addendum that has Ocher meta-commenting on it, going something like ""The Wastelands brutal experiences..." Noooo... Ya think?!". Because he totally could. For a moment there, you had more TPS (Torture Per Second) than even Somber. Well, untill the last PH chapter, that is, but still.

And thirdly, and most importantly; Ocher! Y U NO happy with cybernetics! Seriously, if I had woken up after having my eye burned out, only to find that I now had a cybernetic one instead, I'd be jumping with joy. Eh, well, at least if I knew it was unhealable, which I guess would explain his reaction. At any rate, yay cybernetics! xD

EDIT:
Damn it Kashin, now I can't stop thinking about giving Gears a cybernetic eye! I think I shelved that idea ages ago, but because of you doing it out of the left field it popped up again!
Geh. Say, do you have any plot-reason for it to be there, or is it just because of the awesomeness of a cyber-were-pony?

[Adder1]

Alrighty, review time. Let's see if I can consolidate my thoughts...

First and foremost, I honestly have no complaints for this chapter. Really, I mean it. It's probably due to the fact that these are all indoor areas that being detailed so there's no open environments to weigh them against this time, but let's just leave things at what I can read and say- well done.

The flashbacks and the memory orb were the hallmarks of this chapter. It was nice to glimpse a bit of what his life was like in the simulation, and we see a couple explanations behind some of his rationalizations ("I don't hurt ponies" for example). The Blade affecting him through the memory orb... that was a nice, disturbing touch there. It was a bit ominous and perhaps a bit overblown with how it spoke to him, but the desired effect was nevertheless achieved.

Oh. Yay. Cyberpony. Don't tell me he's going to dye his coat and become Red Eye. =P His reaction to the new eye was pulled off very well, especially his reaction to not being able to feel Scoop's hoof against the plating. And the upgrades? Something makes me guess along the lines of multiple zoom magnifications, enhanced targeting, and maybe an eye laser of death.

It was interesting to see BARON get a teensy wee bit fleshed out a bit more from last chapter. At least he (Um... how do we refer to BARON?_ wasn't trying to kill Ocher or something. Or maybe he was lying, who knows?

And "colt toy". So BARON's got some semblance of a sense of humor. Better than Echo's surprisingly.

All in all, nice job with this one, Kashin. Keep it up. ^^

Still wondering where Mister Icy Voice went...