The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
Re: The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
Just because they are so quiet in here. I am going to bomb each and every chapter with feedback when I get some vacation so I can read so much as humanly possible in one go! That my first vacation looks to be abound Christmas is just a minor detail that I chose not to think about
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f1r3w4rr10r
- Posts: 629
- Joined: Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:26 am
- Location: Germany (UTC+1)
- Contact:
Re: The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
Just because I have been quiet for a while, here is my status with catching up. I am currently in chapter ten, right in the middle of that fight in the club.
Re: The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
*reads two above comments*
*squees IRL and <3s you both*
*squees IRL and <3s you both*
It's hard to kill memories when you remember everything.
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
Re: The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
Oh derp. I forgot to post here that three days ago (the 21st) was the anniversary of TLS' inception! Major changes include the upload of reworked versions of chapters 1 and 2; additional details can be found here: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/78989
It's hard to kill memories when you remember everything.
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
Re: The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
A while ago on FimFiction, there was a thread in which we created movie-style trailers for our stories. May as well post it here, well, because I rarely get changes to self-promote! 
Enjoy!
Note: Due to the trailer-ness of this, exact words from the story are not used.
The following preview has been approved for
appropriate audiences
by the Motion Picture Association of Equestria, Inc.
http://www.filmratings.com http://www.mpae.org (Second is not an actual link. Don't click it please.)
(Trailer music begins...)
Nighttime. A young unicorn mare with an earthy coat and a mane like the clouds, eyes a bright indigo, lies beside a covered fire. She is bare save for a PipBuck; her cutie-mark is an open toolbox. The dim light of the fire casts her shadow fan-like against the narrow canyon she is camped out in. There is another shadow cast beside hers of a figure outside of the shot. It is almost demonic in appearance.
"So," the unseen figure speaks in a smooth, grave tone, "what happens now?"
"Now?" the mare huffs softly, turning toward the speaker. Her voice is soft yet carries a certain strength behind it. "Even if the rest of the team's dead, the mission still stands. I'm finding that water talisman for Stable Three."
There is a pause as the figure exhales softly. A chilly mist flutters from the side of the screen, likely from his mouth. "Count me in."
The scene cuts to reveal the other main protagonist of the story. The fire's orientation casts a shadow over most of the green unicorn's form. He is slightly taller than average, thinly built, and of gaunt demeanor. His eyes are slanted like those of a zebra and feature draconic slits for pupils; the irises are dull with a slight amber tint. He is wearing Lunar Guard armor...
"My name is Frost Windchill," he introduces himself. "Pleased to meet you."
Forty years before the Stable Dweller...
Scene cuts to a panoramic shot of a ruined city filled with crumbling gray husks of factories, skyscrapers, businesses and homes. Ponies and griffins in winter wear mill about, most of them bearing the dirtied, grisly appearance typical of Wastelanders.
"Welcome to Stalliongrad, Rig," Frost speaks as the scene cuts to Frost and Rig striding down the rubble-strewn streets, "bastion of the north. Safest place in the Wasteland. It's here that you'll train..."
Scene cuts to Rig levitating an IF-42 assault rifle in her gray telekinesis aura with a zebra in light winter wear beside her. He coaches her silently as she fires downrange.
"... get your weapons..."
Rig sets down an AKMB bullpup assault rifle. It is carved artistically on the metallic portions along with the words "In laboribus et periculus". A buffalo ghoul possibly recognizable as Chief Thunderhooves through his headdress helps her modify it as Frost watches in the background.
"- never carry just one by the way!"
Rig telekinetically slams a fresh magazine home in her KP-12 assault pistol, tweaking the sights as a Spetsnaz throwing shovel levitates beside her.
"... and where you'll get some good armor."
The earth-coated mare looks over her Stable engineering jumpsuit, now fitted with corrugated pieces of cobalt-colored armor plating. She flashes a lovely smirk toward the viewer and flips down her welding helmet.
The scene fades to black.
"Because you're going to need it."
Scene rushes back with a nighttime attack on the city of Stalliongrad. It is an utter cacophony of shouted orders, shouted killing, shouted death, thundering gunfire, thundering explosions, thundering hooves. Griffins wearing skeletal armor in shades of death and decay and donning faceplates depicting a griffin skull articulated in a rebel yell descend from the skies and open up on Frost and Rig as they take cover in an alley. Their weapons are notably of far better condition than usually seen in the Wasteland and the griffins move with trained precision and purpose. Frost sprouts a pair of scraggly ice arms from his shoulders to whip out a Remhayngton 87 Special shotgun with a crowbar mounted to the top to form an impromptu stock and bayonet, a drum feed, and a heavy barrel. Ice layers over him as he pops out of cover, forming a layer of gently sloped armor on him. Notably, producing the arms and armor does not cause his horn to flare up. He takes aim and quickly fires, pumps, fires, pumps before ducking back and letting Rig fire off a grenade from her underbarrel BS-03 Tishina.
Scene fades to black. Silence. Music resumes.
A Neurotoxic Productions film
A massive, buffalo-sized griffiness wearing a flowing cloak and cowl rears back and spreads her gigantic wings menacingly. They are covered in an array of wicked wingblades. She is of unique all-black feather coloration, and her eyes are a blank, pupil-less white.
"What were those griffins doing here?" Frost asks.
Scene cuts to Frost and Rig walking beside the colossal griffin. It is daytime, and the group strides down the streets of Stalliongrad in the aftermath of the battle. The griffin's feet thunder against the ground with each heavy step.
"The Dead Boys were hunting myself and my family for leaving them," the giant replies, her tone calm, crisp, perhaps mechanical.
"That's it?" Rig asks quizzically.
"Nobody leaves The Dead Boys. Killing one of their leaders in the process of fleeing doesn't help my case either."
Rig facehoofs.
"So just who are you anyway?" Frost inquires.
"Azrael Razorwing."
Scene shifts to her standing beside an older yet comparatively tiny male griffin in reinforced leather armor. There is another male beside him, a younger one with his forelegs crossed.
"I want to keep my family safe. The Dead Boys are mainly after me, not them. I will travel along with you and provide assistance."
Scene cuts to Azrael soaring over the Wasteland, clutching onto Rig to carry her along. Frost flies beneath them on a set of six blade-like, fragile-looking ice wings.
"Be warned that I am hunted..."
A squad of three Dead Boys griffins set a demolition charge on a wall and blow it, rushing into a cleared-out nightclub where the gigantic form of Azrael is easily visible in the center beside Frost and Rig.
"... and that The Dead Boys, including their leaders..."
A griffin ghoul in an Aldornan cosmonaut suit, arching back to spray a jet of flames into the air from the nozzle on his wrist...
A grizzled one in a gray raiment, forelegs made of chains hooked together with dagger-like fingers at the end, more chains constricting his otherwise flowing cloak to his body...
A female griffin cub- innocent, brittle- suddenly flashing a furious expression as she hefts up a kinetic-magnetic accelerator cannon far longer than she is tall...
A griffin in a flowing robe, her laced hood obscuring her face entirely...
A crippled male griffin connected to a life-support machine, his head surrounded by a gel-filled capsule and a respirator wrapped to his beak...
A ghostly female with a tattered robe flowing around her, a cracked porcelain mask covering her face...
A bipedal griffin, almost completely mechanical, wearing the tattered flag of the Griffin Kingdom of Aldorna as a cape, his eyes the only natural-looking thing about him...
"... will likely target you as well."
A side-story of the epic novel by Kkat
"Out of the open, out of the open!" Frost bellows as raiders rush them in a city square.
"Grenade!" Azrael yells out as the group takes cover in a ruined home. Encased in ice, the armored unicorn delivers a swift kick to the explosive, but it detonates only a short distance away.
Scene fades to black; frenzied breathing, slowly calming, is audible.
Frost gets back up, tossing an empty super restoration bottle aside. The firefight is over.
"Just who are you exactly?" Rig asks in a low murmur.
"I told you already," Frost says in a slightly raised tone. "I am the descendant of a Lunar Guard that made it to Stable Seventy-Two."
"And you have the eyes and the armor?" Azrael inquires, dubious.
"Biological trait, and it was passed down."
"Doesn't explain how you're still standing!" Rig exclaims.
Written and produced by Adder1
Frost is alone, standing watch.
"Look, I... I know, but I can't, love, I just can't..." he seemingly talks to himself. "Please. Just drop it."
"Who are you talking to?" Azrael asks, seemingly showing up from nowhere.
"Nothing!" Frost quickly retorts.
Logan Cunningham
"Do you trust me?" Frost asks, facing Rig as they approach a not-so-friendly looking suburb of the Manehattan Ruins.
The young mare grimaces before slowly nodding.
Keeley Hawes
Scene shifts to a burned-out town, ashes falling gently through the sky. Rig dashes away as a golden jet of flames from the cosmonaut griffin ghoul lick her face. She growls more in frustration than anything else and ducks into an alleyway beside a horrified-looking Frost as she uses her hoof to smother out the flames. The layer of skin is completely burned away to reveal smooth metal and an aperture-like eye.
"It's less painful than it looks," she quickly says.
Angelina Jolie
"Cover me; getting into position," Azrael reports.
The scene is now an area in Manehattan desaturated of color. The griffiness side-steps over to Rig as she lays down fire. She whips her cloak up to reveal a frighteningly huge Kord 6P50 machine gun. Then she opens up with a mighty roar, the bullets leaving Russian-green tracer lines in the air and the force of the discharges enough to scatter the dust and dirt around her.
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel
Scene shifts to a bedroom bathed in the orange glow of fire from outside. Frost, encased in ice armor thick enough to warp his appearance through refraction, hefts a raider's assault rifle, turning around at the sound of a creak. Behind him is a young hinny, eyes wide with fright.
"Wendy?" he asks, voice muffled by the thick ice.
The child just looks at him with wide eyes as he raises up the rifle and takes aim.
There are lies buried between the lines
Now playing
Rated R- Ages 18 and up only
Enjoy!Note: Due to the trailer-ness of this, exact words from the story are not used.
The following preview has been approved for
appropriate audiences
by the Motion Picture Association of Equestria, Inc.
http://www.filmratings.com http://www.mpae.org (Second is not an actual link. Don't click it please.)
(Trailer music begins...)
Nighttime. A young unicorn mare with an earthy coat and a mane like the clouds, eyes a bright indigo, lies beside a covered fire. She is bare save for a PipBuck; her cutie-mark is an open toolbox. The dim light of the fire casts her shadow fan-like against the narrow canyon she is camped out in. There is another shadow cast beside hers of a figure outside of the shot. It is almost demonic in appearance.
"So," the unseen figure speaks in a smooth, grave tone, "what happens now?"
"Now?" the mare huffs softly, turning toward the speaker. Her voice is soft yet carries a certain strength behind it. "Even if the rest of the team's dead, the mission still stands. I'm finding that water talisman for Stable Three."
There is a pause as the figure exhales softly. A chilly mist flutters from the side of the screen, likely from his mouth. "Count me in."
The scene cuts to reveal the other main protagonist of the story. The fire's orientation casts a shadow over most of the green unicorn's form. He is slightly taller than average, thinly built, and of gaunt demeanor. His eyes are slanted like those of a zebra and feature draconic slits for pupils; the irises are dull with a slight amber tint. He is wearing Lunar Guard armor...
"My name is Frost Windchill," he introduces himself. "Pleased to meet you."
Forty years before the Stable Dweller...
Scene cuts to a panoramic shot of a ruined city filled with crumbling gray husks of factories, skyscrapers, businesses and homes. Ponies and griffins in winter wear mill about, most of them bearing the dirtied, grisly appearance typical of Wastelanders.
"Welcome to Stalliongrad, Rig," Frost speaks as the scene cuts to Frost and Rig striding down the rubble-strewn streets, "bastion of the north. Safest place in the Wasteland. It's here that you'll train..."
Scene cuts to Rig levitating an IF-42 assault rifle in her gray telekinesis aura with a zebra in light winter wear beside her. He coaches her silently as she fires downrange.
"... get your weapons..."
Rig sets down an AKMB bullpup assault rifle. It is carved artistically on the metallic portions along with the words "In laboribus et periculus". A buffalo ghoul possibly recognizable as Chief Thunderhooves through his headdress helps her modify it as Frost watches in the background.
"- never carry just one by the way!"
Rig telekinetically slams a fresh magazine home in her KP-12 assault pistol, tweaking the sights as a Spetsnaz throwing shovel levitates beside her.
"... and where you'll get some good armor."
The earth-coated mare looks over her Stable engineering jumpsuit, now fitted with corrugated pieces of cobalt-colored armor plating. She flashes a lovely smirk toward the viewer and flips down her welding helmet.
The scene fades to black.
"Because you're going to need it."
Scene rushes back with a nighttime attack on the city of Stalliongrad. It is an utter cacophony of shouted orders, shouted killing, shouted death, thundering gunfire, thundering explosions, thundering hooves. Griffins wearing skeletal armor in shades of death and decay and donning faceplates depicting a griffin skull articulated in a rebel yell descend from the skies and open up on Frost and Rig as they take cover in an alley. Their weapons are notably of far better condition than usually seen in the Wasteland and the griffins move with trained precision and purpose. Frost sprouts a pair of scraggly ice arms from his shoulders to whip out a Remhayngton 87 Special shotgun with a crowbar mounted to the top to form an impromptu stock and bayonet, a drum feed, and a heavy barrel. Ice layers over him as he pops out of cover, forming a layer of gently sloped armor on him. Notably, producing the arms and armor does not cause his horn to flare up. He takes aim and quickly fires, pumps, fires, pumps before ducking back and letting Rig fire off a grenade from her underbarrel BS-03 Tishina.
Scene fades to black. Silence. Music resumes.
A Neurotoxic Productions film
A massive, buffalo-sized griffiness wearing a flowing cloak and cowl rears back and spreads her gigantic wings menacingly. They are covered in an array of wicked wingblades. She is of unique all-black feather coloration, and her eyes are a blank, pupil-less white.
"What were those griffins doing here?" Frost asks.
Scene cuts to Frost and Rig walking beside the colossal griffin. It is daytime, and the group strides down the streets of Stalliongrad in the aftermath of the battle. The griffin's feet thunder against the ground with each heavy step.
"The Dead Boys were hunting myself and my family for leaving them," the giant replies, her tone calm, crisp, perhaps mechanical.
"That's it?" Rig asks quizzically.
"Nobody leaves The Dead Boys. Killing one of their leaders in the process of fleeing doesn't help my case either."
Rig facehoofs.
"So just who are you anyway?" Frost inquires.
"Azrael Razorwing."
Scene shifts to her standing beside an older yet comparatively tiny male griffin in reinforced leather armor. There is another male beside him, a younger one with his forelegs crossed.
"I want to keep my family safe. The Dead Boys are mainly after me, not them. I will travel along with you and provide assistance."
Scene cuts to Azrael soaring over the Wasteland, clutching onto Rig to carry her along. Frost flies beneath them on a set of six blade-like, fragile-looking ice wings.
"Be warned that I am hunted..."
A squad of three Dead Boys griffins set a demolition charge on a wall and blow it, rushing into a cleared-out nightclub where the gigantic form of Azrael is easily visible in the center beside Frost and Rig.
"... and that The Dead Boys, including their leaders..."
A griffin ghoul in an Aldornan cosmonaut suit, arching back to spray a jet of flames into the air from the nozzle on his wrist...
A grizzled one in a gray raiment, forelegs made of chains hooked together with dagger-like fingers at the end, more chains constricting his otherwise flowing cloak to his body...
A female griffin cub- innocent, brittle- suddenly flashing a furious expression as she hefts up a kinetic-magnetic accelerator cannon far longer than she is tall...
A griffin in a flowing robe, her laced hood obscuring her face entirely...
A crippled male griffin connected to a life-support machine, his head surrounded by a gel-filled capsule and a respirator wrapped to his beak...
A ghostly female with a tattered robe flowing around her, a cracked porcelain mask covering her face...
A bipedal griffin, almost completely mechanical, wearing the tattered flag of the Griffin Kingdom of Aldorna as a cape, his eyes the only natural-looking thing about him...
"... will likely target you as well."
A side-story of the epic novel by Kkat
"Out of the open, out of the open!" Frost bellows as raiders rush them in a city square.
"Grenade!" Azrael yells out as the group takes cover in a ruined home. Encased in ice, the armored unicorn delivers a swift kick to the explosive, but it detonates only a short distance away.
Scene fades to black; frenzied breathing, slowly calming, is audible.
Frost gets back up, tossing an empty super restoration bottle aside. The firefight is over.
"Just who are you exactly?" Rig asks in a low murmur.
"I told you already," Frost says in a slightly raised tone. "I am the descendant of a Lunar Guard that made it to Stable Seventy-Two."
"And you have the eyes and the armor?" Azrael inquires, dubious.
"Biological trait, and it was passed down."
"Doesn't explain how you're still standing!" Rig exclaims.
Written and produced by Adder1
Frost is alone, standing watch.
"Look, I... I know, but I can't, love, I just can't..." he seemingly talks to himself. "Please. Just drop it."
"Who are you talking to?" Azrael asks, seemingly showing up from nowhere.
"Nothing!" Frost quickly retorts.
Logan Cunningham
"Do you trust me?" Frost asks, facing Rig as they approach a not-so-friendly looking suburb of the Manehattan Ruins.
The young mare grimaces before slowly nodding.
Keeley Hawes
Scene shifts to a burned-out town, ashes falling gently through the sky. Rig dashes away as a golden jet of flames from the cosmonaut griffin ghoul lick her face. She growls more in frustration than anything else and ducks into an alleyway beside a horrified-looking Frost as she uses her hoof to smother out the flames. The layer of skin is completely burned away to reveal smooth metal and an aperture-like eye.
"It's less painful than it looks," she quickly says.
Angelina Jolie
"Cover me; getting into position," Azrael reports.
The scene is now an area in Manehattan desaturated of color. The griffiness side-steps over to Rig as she lays down fire. She whips her cloak up to reveal a frighteningly huge Kord 6P50 machine gun. Then she opens up with a mighty roar, the bullets leaving Russian-green tracer lines in the air and the force of the discharges enough to scatter the dust and dirt around her.
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel
Scene shifts to a bedroom bathed in the orange glow of fire from outside. Frost, encased in ice armor thick enough to warp his appearance through refraction, hefts a raider's assault rifle, turning around at the sound of a creak. Behind him is a young hinny, eyes wide with fright.
"Wendy?" he asks, voice muffled by the thick ice.
The child just looks at him with wide eyes as he raises up the rifle and takes aim.
There are lies buried between the lines
Now playing
Rated R- Ages 18 and up only
It's hard to kill memories when you remember everything.
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
Re: The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
Reflection Eight is now up. The City of Hopes and Dreams isn't all it's cracked up to be... or is it?
FimFiction link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2702/29 ... and-Dreams
FimFiction link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2702/29 ... and-Dreams
It's hard to kill memories when you remember everything.
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
-
f1r3w4rr10r
- Posts: 629
- Joined: Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:26 am
- Location: Germany (UTC+1)
- Contact:
Re: The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
Just thought to let you know: I just finished Reflection Three.
Frost as a kid is a bit over the top in my opinion, but it was still a fun read.
Frost as a kid is a bit over the top in my opinion, but it was still a fun read.
-
f1r3w4rr10r
- Posts: 629
- Joined: Wed Aug 01, 2012 11:26 am
- Location: Germany (UTC+1)
- Contact:
Re: The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
Ok, done. I just finished Reflection Eight. And I have to say, you improved in your writing over the course of writing the story. You included some pretty sad scenes in there, which even attacked my tear ducts. Especially leaving Manehatten and Zoleks behind. And we finally get to know Her. ^^
Re: The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
*squees* Thanks for that. And yeah, Frost's childhood was... pretty freaking hectic, but I hope it's at least somewhat believable. You know. Given we're talking about magical talking ponies here. ^^; But yeah, critique is always welcomed. If it help me improve other people's reading experience, then I'm all for it.f1r3w4rr10r wrote:Ok, done. I just finished Reflection Eight. And I have to say, you improved in your writing over the course of writing the story. You included some pretty sad scenes in there, which even attacked my tear ducts. Especially leaving Manehatten and Zoleks behind. And we finally get to know Her. ^^
It's hard to kill memories when you remember everything.
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
Re: The Last Sentinel (Looking for Feedback, Pre-Readers)
Reflection Nine is up. See what the City of Hopes and Dreams holds in store...
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2702/30 ... -Canterlot
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2702/30 ... -Canterlot
It's hard to kill memories when you remember everything.
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria
Fallout: Equestria- The Last Sentinel, a side-story based on Kkat's Fallout: Equestria